For the longest time Marriage was seen as the epitome and peak of life. Everyone strove towards marriage, and everything changed after marriage – women dropped their careers, stopped further studies and “devoted themselves to the household” like a “proper woman.”
“One day a brisk discussion arose concerning careers for women. Mrs Jo had read something on the subject and asked each of the dozen girls sitting about the room, what she intended to do on leaving college. The answers were as usual: I shall teach, help mother, study medicine, art, etc.; but nearly all ended with: ‘Till I marry.’” – Jo’s boys
In today’s world, we like to believe this is no longer the case. The youth is no longer bound by the shackles of marriage and expectations like they were in the past. And yet, society’s basic subliminal messages have not evolved. Even now questions like “Do you have a boyfriend”, “When are you going to get married?” and “How many kids do you want”, from parents are common, indicating that marriage is more important a milestone than any other personal or professional achievements. These, of course, are the tame questions. Depending on circumstance, they become barbed, pinching or even an uppercut to the solar plexus as a parent says, “That’s all good, but are you seeing anyone yet?” in response to the announcement of a promotion, or “Learn something from. You’re already late, at least now start dating.” in the middle of a friend’s wedding celebration.
“There are no life “shoulds,” and people should not see a particular age as a deadline for finding a partner or achieving traditional milestones. Rushing into love because of a timeline can lead to regret.” – Michelle Obama
These two quotes are almost one and a half centuries apart. Their sentiment, however, is the same. We keep believing that life will “start” after a specific milestone, reflecting a cell-deep belief that we would find the meaning of life down the road.
In middle school, during COVID, I thought high school would be the years when I would be “living” properly. In high school, with the hectic schedule and numerous demands on time I pushed the ideal to post 12th vacations. During the vacations I imagined life in college, certain it would start then. Or, if not then, then during internships, job, marriage, kids, retirement.
Living was always reserved for the future. Because the present was classified as existing, routine, involuntary, preparation.
I classified all my activities as “duties” – studying, cooking, driving, grooming- all skills necessary for life in the future. And so, learning these is like breathing – involuntary, but necessary.
Using these in the future then, must be living!
However, over time, my perspective shifted. Everything we actively choose to do is living life. All the milestones, all the skills we knowingly acquire, the cakes we enjoy baking, the pottery class we sign up for, the mental health day we take to just sit on the couch and binge watch Netflix because daily routine felt too heavy.
I was waiting for life to happen to me. Searching for it in the future. While life was in all the small moments I ignored during the wait.
This transition resulted in a new understanding of faith as well, where the same principle applies. As long as I was searching for a faith and ideology to adopt, to explain everything according to someone else’s beliefs, I felt lost. I became resigned to being classified faithless or atheist. To finding reasoning or scepticism for every incident rather than that blissful feeling I imagined others to be experiencing.
And yet, when I stopped looking for it, faith found me in the most unexpected moments. A cancelled class, a delayed decision on a purchase, a deal falling through, as better alternatives were just around the corner. A masterclass in patience – in living.
When we stop waiting and immerse ourselves in the present is when we find life, faith, positivity – everything we visualise in the future.
Because the future keeps turning into the present and we continue peering down the line, waiting for our turn only to realise that we were standing at the checkout counter all along.
Saying we acquire skills to use them in the future equates the present to a “pre-living” time, when you are getting “ready” and “prepared” to live. That is not true. The acquisition process itself is living.
Life is in the preparation. Not after it.
